Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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