god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We had to coat check the pizza.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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