I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
you made out with another girl for some wings
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
