first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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