so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
