Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
