These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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