She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
