shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
