Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
