Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize