Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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