The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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