The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
