Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
