in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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