Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
should my penis look like a turkey
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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