Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
