Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
