I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
