My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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