Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
