Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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