good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize