I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize