Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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