so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
