Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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