Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
