I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Randomize
