I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
