Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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