she woke up with a sticky ear
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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