I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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