I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
