I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
