my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
