Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
