I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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