it was like his penis was on wheels.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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