I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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