don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We left the knife in your bed.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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