Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize