Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
