I just pynch a tree in the face
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
