Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
