dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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