There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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