I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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