the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize