Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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