i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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