I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
