Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize