I'm going to jail i love you
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
