He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I will be naked everywhere
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
