Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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