The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
