Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
