so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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