and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Damn victory sex feels great
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
