totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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