I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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