We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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